so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
