You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
