I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
