Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's shark week go big or go home
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize