i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize