Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
