PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
