I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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