just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
