the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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