I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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