What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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