you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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