It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
