I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
