If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
