Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
