the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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