What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
