Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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