So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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