just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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