So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
