How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
