five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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