Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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