So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
