So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
