I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
