My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
