I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
