some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize