I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did I show you my penis last night?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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