dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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