Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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