I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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