i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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