mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
