I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
