you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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