Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
