I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
