Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
