That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
