I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
