you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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