All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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