Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
