Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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