I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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