I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
