My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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