I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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