1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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