I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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