I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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