Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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