Non-Jews are for practice
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
