I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
